Keguro: Blogga Snaposhot #1
This is the first of what will hopefully be regular series where we give you a glimpse at the erstwhile private lives of a select group of bloggers. The bloggers that we will be profiling are drawn from a cross-section of KBW folks who have helped change the way that we communicate as Kenyans. It is with great pleasure that I present excerpts of the transcript of the interview that I held with our first guest- the one and the only Keguro. The interview took place in Boston’s Newbury Street on the 18th of January, 2006. A webcast of this interview will soon be made available along with the full transcript of the interview.
Please refer all comments to “The Producer: Meet the Fockers*Bloggas: 123 Main St. Gaithersburg. MD. 21248 or e-mail the show.
Mutumia: I’d like to thank all of you for coming to this event. Our first guest is Keguro Macharia- the erudite English Professor from Massaschusetts. His blog has been a source of inspiration for us- a thesaurus and also proven to be a very good career booster as those new words come in handy during the team-meeting!
Please join me in welcoming Mr. Macharia.
(Crowd applauds).
Mutumia: Mr. Macharia, thank you very much for coming today.
Mr. Macharia: Please call me Keguro— Mr. Macharia is what people I’ve given a failing grade call me.
M: Ok… Keguro, my first question for you would be “why teach English?”
K: Well, my love affair with the English language started when I was ruminating on the transition from Old to Modern English. This is perhaps epitomized by Ælfric’s work- especially his inflections on …
M: (interrupts). Alfred Mutuku of Nairobi University?
K: (looking stunned). No… Ælfric- the English abbot from whom we derive much of our grammar…
M: (interrupts): Oh, DWG…
K: DWG?
M: Dead white Guy
K: Quite. As I was saying- it’s in the flow of the language- the falling diphthongs, phonemes, the pars pro toto of rhetoric linguistics. It’s in the simplicity of the language- like “Boom” is such a simple- yet evocative phrase- what else could it signify but a boom? Yet we also have words in cognitive linguistics like “Hollywood” for the sum of all artistic endeavors, hopes of aspiring actresses….
M: (looking dazed) Even you Keguro!!! Wacha vitisho. Do you typically use vocabs like that in your reg’lar vibing?
K: Um…. Well.. let’s chalk it down to occupational hazard.
M: OK… so you like English. That is quite well reflected in your blog. I have to say that you give a lot of morality to us- your fellow bloggers as your posts are very well written and your positions well argued.
K: Morality? Hmmmmm… I don’t know about that. Sometimes, my Catholic upbringing will inadvertently spill over to my work, and I do in fact credit this as one of the things that center my blog. But still I fail to see how this can be mis-construed as a moralizing IT personal-public space.
M: (looking gleeful). Haiya! I have a word that I can teach you. I meant “morality” in the context of giving support, encouragement …
K: (sighing) . You mean “morale” .
M: yes- morality.
K: Not quite- the two words are vastly different. In fact, your usage of the word ‘morality’ in this context is a malapropism as the word …
M: (interrupts). OK… let’s talk about something different. In a recent post, you alluded to yourself as not very consumed with your attire. I was in fact expecting to see Castro/ Kuria Kamau redux- . You know- the “Urban revolutionary meets bohemian academic”. But in fact, if I may describe you for our viewers back home. Keguro is dressed in what looks like a Christian La Croix shirt
K: (interrupts): Um… actually a Gaultier. It’s an easy mistake to make lakini if you pay close attention to the cuffs, you’ll see that the ribbing is unmistakably…
M: Little Red?
K: No… Gaultier.
M: Ok… and he’s also dressed in very nice khakis- the crease is perfect, fits well. I like the way you’ve chosen the length of your pants size as typically, you’ll find men with either achwitis or street sweepers.
K: Achwitis?
M: Those Michael Jackson pants that only come up to ankle-length,.
K: The horror! The horror! I have to say that to my everlasting shame, I used to wear those pants once upon a time and I thought I was the bees knees- with my duke socks, bata ngomas that had been liberally anointed with Kiwi, and those- achwitis?
M: (Laughing) Yes—and don’t forget the Ray Parker Jr. hairstyle- which usually ended up being a ka-clump of hair like those hare krishnas at Logan Airport.
K: (shudders) Don’t remind me— I actually have a picture to prove it!
M: (falls off laughing) Yes… as I was saying, you don’t do yourself enough justice on your blog. Ngai Baba that picture!!! Anyway– a buddy of mine told me that the way you cane yourself is called “self deprecating humor’ lakini you’re well decked out…Kwanza those khakis and your three inch heels?! Tiga Tu!
K: Awww this old thing?
M: Keguro stop fronting…. The label is peeking from your khakis.
K: (laughs good naturedly thereby showing what a good sport he is)
M: (looks at the producer and notices that we have to wrap up soon) OK… Keguro, I have to ask… it looks like all of KWB women are fiending for you to be their best friend. Are you amused, flattered, bothered or disgusted by the feeding frenzy that erupted when you announced that you were looking for a “fourth female best friend”?
K: (laughs). Well, see the thing is, I am immensely flattered, but I also know that I have a very short attention span. I mean, off the record, the main person I would choose to hang with, is Haidhuru. The rest are cool- but… y’know?
M: Hey- I am haidhuru.!!!!
K: Nooooo? Really? Anyway, crumbs to the hungry aside… there are so many cool female bloggers and yeah—- I’m still re-thinking this whole open application process. I’ll keep you all posted lakini.
M: (sulking) Mbona it’s a joke that I can roll with you?
K: Move it right along please.
M: Um… OK… What new blog have you read recently that made you go “wow”.
K: Check out Kenya Urban Narrative – that’s a really cool blog. Plus also ….(Keguro drifts off…) Hey— that camera person of yours has some sawa fingers. Damn! That is some cool sh*t.
M: Yes— let’s talk about your celibacy issue and …
M: Keguro? Mr. Macharia?
M: Ladies and Gentlemen- please thank Keguro for appearing and disappearing on the show. If you do find our cameraman, please let him know that we need the raw footage of what he shot. Thank you once again and tune in next week for another “meet the bloggas”
Mutumia exits stage left.
*inspired by the Daily Show © , Sleeze (sic)Crew© , VoK’s Press Conference, TKS © (2005), MTV Cribs © and Yaliyotokea… Funding generously provided by “IT initiatives for Afrika: By Africans”. Accommodation and travel possible with the generous contribution of people like you.
Thank you.
Update: Keguro fell off his chair laughing and will need immediate attention, preferably from the camera person with sawa fingers.
All I’m saying is, we need the footage for the webcast. Please tell Mr. MIA to Fedex it or sum’n— we aren’t even asking him to return the cash advance he took. Tafadhali. Thanks for the pic BTW— it scanned OK.
Comment by Keguro — February 5, 2006 @ 10:47 pm
Gaithersburg? You’re kidding right? lol..haiya!
Nah— just a place I used to hang out at… t’aint where I’m living!
Comment by Medusa — February 6, 2006 @ 5:32 am
Good God!!! that picture..lololol I sure do hope guess takes away that portofolio she gave you…, you running the two minute offense? i see something on your wristband?
*has not read the post*
Yaani Keguro cleaned up good- that’s all I’m saying. Don’t judge him from the before pic— he looks very good in the ‘after’ real-life look.
Comment by msaniixl — February 6, 2006 @ 6:16 am
I confess, to my great shame, I loved my bata ngomas! In fact, I am looking for many other pairs. Nothing even comes close.
Who toboad about the Ray Parker Jr? Who has been telling my secrets? Who? Especially since you live in an area populated by many who know me. (Search and you may find!)
(If you find a place selling ngomas, hook me up! I’ll even stop wearing my boots, at least for a while!)
Keguro– he he he ati you’ll give up the 3 inch heels?! Truly you weren’t lying when you said you had a bata ngoma fetish… Ebu wait… your manager will hook you up (I got you, I got you)
Comment by Keguro — February 6, 2006 @ 7:25 am
My goodness! That picture!!!
He he he — the man chomoad it on his own volition. That’s a brave, brave man— me? I’d have incinerated them zamani. I won’t even lie!
Comment by m — February 6, 2006 @ 1:58 pm
Nice interview!Lakini you should be ashamed I have seen that photo before, nitoboe?As for ngomas those kicks used to complete my ninja outfit when I was an active agent.Now that you know I have to kill you…..
Niskie aibu kwanini? I’m not following… Toboa tu. Ati Ninja? The full “flying squad: Kenya Undercover broda” unleashed! Tiga tu!
Comment by acolyte — February 6, 2006 @ 2:28 pm
Oh la la way to go. The new house has worked wonders on you. Melikes!! That photo is the boom!!
Aki Prou— this is the post I was trying to post when I deleted my blog so of course I was like “hell yeah I’ma post it”. I mean, I flew to Ma. just to get the interview (plus the donors will make me refund the money so….)
Comment by Prou — February 6, 2006 @ 6:29 pm
oh yeah achwitis? mutumia you bring back timeless memories, they are also known as I-can’t-reach-down!!
I’m telling you Ms. Prou, you look at the look that you had way back when and you just chew lock. Kwanza Keguro is not ati the worst offendor. Me? ray Parker with un-straightened hair, baby fat, duke socks, wet look pumps. Urghhhh!!!! That was truly the decade that taste forgot…
Comment by Prou — February 6, 2006 @ 6:32 pm
Picture…..*thud* ROTFL!
He he — you like that? Ebu I’ll see what my next guest has. K. has raised the bar on “style”… so we’ll ses if numero deux can up that photo!
Comment by Whispering Inn — February 7, 2006 @ 12:32 am
Loool what an interview..
Good laughs Mutush
Thanks, thanks. I was feeling kidogo dumb when I was interviewing the brother- but Keguro is a kind man. He makes allowances for ‘gaps in the lingo”.
Thanks K
Comment by Nakeel — February 7, 2006 @ 8:32 am
ROFTLMAO,
Note to Keguro: Shiroh is laughing with you (ama aje auntie?)….
Comment by Shiroh — February 7, 2006 @ 9:39 am
Gosh, ROTFLMAO
That pic
Comment by Shiroh — February 7, 2006 @ 9:56 am
Let me see, where do I start… Ok, (after a little sneaky laugh) that interview is off the hook - I am impressed you two - can I join the MK appreciation club…
Now to the nitty gritty… THAT PICTURE.. My dear Keguro, as much as I laff you, I have to laff at you (said in a proper Kikuyu accent - appreciate people)
Mutumia, damn I am not being interviewed by you - not if I have to put mine mug (photo) up in here.
@Msanii - I bet if you had to unleash your ‘earlier smoof self’ you would have everybody singing ‘kwanini uliniacha na niwewe ulinipenda mwenyewe’ -dont pretend you dont know that one people. Seriously I am going through a phase where I wake up with a strange ‘old’ song in my head. People I am going crazy, somebody HELP ME
between you and me— I have seen the refurbed Msanii and he’s more Keguro circa 1989 than Keguro of 2006. Justsayingisall
)
Ngoja I get funding… me I wanna come to the UK and my excuse is to intervew you. Ebu I panga those visas and dem.
Comment by Guess — February 7, 2006 @ 10:23 pm
I sent a comment but it says that I am sperm - sorry spam - same difference so - too many of me but only one is necessary… Mutumia help..
LOL wanted to correct the song lyrics above… Kwanini waleta wivu na niwewe uliniacha mwenyewe .. tsk tsk
Let me see if this one goes through, ama naleta vituko..
Darlin’ you know you have the VIP pass right? You are on the “Guess-t” List —
Comment by Guessaurus — February 7, 2006 @ 10:31 pm
ati DWG?! hehe!
those trousers are deadly!
He he he… DWG- yaani they say some stuff like “needs must when the devil drives”… I mean what does that mean? I’m so moving beyond that. From now, it’s “Wahenga walisema” y’know? And I echo the sentiment. Keguro should feel kidogo shame on me for those tu-trous
Comment by Adrian — February 8, 2006 @ 4:57 pm
In the middle of getting some stuff sorted out as I prep to jump the broom, so this will be brief & will be back for more:)
Where in Gaithersburg were you hanging out? I have people I know there & for a while I called it my second home away from my this here home:) Hebu fafanua kwa picha na majina:))
ati jump the broom? Don’t gloss over this!!! Give us details… Haiya! Congratulations bwana!
Comment by akiey — February 8, 2006 @ 6:42 pm
@keguro: strike a pose aint nothin to it VOGUE!
@Artist formerly at blogspot:Glad to have been an inspiration but this sure puts my crew to shame..ngoja i come reloaded si we organise a ka interview them interviewing you can that be arranged.
But ur piece was too sawa
Comment by couch tato — February 11, 2006 @ 4:53 pm
My sister loved the interview!
Comment by Keguro — February 13, 2006 @ 11:45 pm
Gee, I am so flattered. Usually I have lots to say, but I am uhm…well. A nod from Keguro must be worth loads. But most important to me is the admiration I have for his intellectualism and his way with words.
Comment by potashke — February 15, 2006 @ 3:56 pm
good boy, like your pick, can i be your kenyan jamaa. anyway, how are yu? we hope things will be better here
Comment by wachira — February 20, 2008 @ 10:38 am