and you can never go home again….
I’ve been with the ex— yes- the ex. He’d said that we should meet up, after a while – when the crying had ended (no- not that crying, KM would never forgive me. Matter of fact, she’d revoke my Kenyan citizenship)…So, I tested that bruise, like you run your tongue over a sore tooth, or when you bite your tongue, and I thought that it was time.
So I did. I met him. Three weeks ago. 195 lb of pure chocolaty African American goodness (melts in your mouth, not your hand!)… And it was, like no time had passed. We were talking like we’d always talked, he was as wonderful as ever. Funny, serious, protective, gregarious, taciturn, cagey, expansive, wonderful him. Everything was great. He’d missed me, I’d missed him. End of story right? Cue music, zoom in for final shot, thorn trees silhouetted in an African moonlight, black love. And they lived happily ever after. Right?
Er….. hold up, hold up. Put away them Kleenex, ‘cause this story doesn’t end like that. ‘Cause what happens is that when you say goodbye to someone, regardless of how much the mind clings on, the heart, she heals. Our resident prophet in training, said it best:
What one buries: dreams.
What one excavates: skeletons.
C’est vrai, mon frère, c’est vrai. While going through the motions of dating and meeting new people and laughing and flirting, dancing and chatting, reminiscing and missing, ready or not, I was burying our future beautiful boys (with nappy hair and ashy legs) that we were gonna have some day and name after my father and brother (thank you Jesus for lax naming traditions en Amérique), the girl who (fingers crossed) would have his smile (and God forbid her mother’s manners). I laid to rest all those dreams and hopes of what could have been- what should have been. I buried us, in our poly-color days trying to collect NSSF/ Medicare, of homework being done by children on the kitchen table. Missed trips to Disney world. I buried us.
And from what we used to be a ‘we’, it is now ‘him and me’. And we can’t go back to where we used to be- as that land doesn’t exist any more. Passport revoked, INS now in charge. No Entry to Aliens. Here’s your visa application fee and form. Thanks for playing- but your visa has run out, goodbye and goodnight. Re-visiting that country, while it makes my heart ache with happiness, reconstruction is out of the question. We are both trying to construct new lands.
And so it was bitter-sweet. Great to see him- to see all those things that made me love him and know that they were not figments of my imagination. He really is a stand up guy. Had things had been different, I would have been lucky, fortuitous, blessed to make my life with this man. But it transpired otherwise. And it’s allright. He’s OK and, dare I say, happy? And so am I. That dearly departed ‘we’, is gone, has had dirges sang for it, eulogies praising it, and now, we remember it fondly.
God knows, I love this man. I always will. He’s in that area between my sinews and capillaries. He, of the few that I’ve ever loved, changed me for the better into much of the woman that I am now. But he is also now, sadly, in the category of “exes”- plural no longer singled out into the singular. And so today, I erased his e-mails, voice messages, had a bonfire of the non-vanities of the little things that mark the progression of “he & I” into an “us”. Movie and ticket stubs, match book from the restaurant we were at the first time he told me he loved me… all that good stuff.
But!! But!!! I kept one photo (speak to me nicely Ms. K and dem). And I can’t help but smile.
Bye baby. You loved me well.
*Joining the queue for the pic here*
You are a strong woman, I admire that - most of us would probably take the option of getting back to the familiar ways, but not you. Good luck in making other memories.
check your e-mail msichana…. scrumptious I tell you, succulent
Comment by Guessaurus — March 14, 2006 @ 4:32 pm
Checked, checked - happy, droolingly so. Damn you are a strong woman I tell ya.. that smile, man, that smile *going onto a safe place where drooling on other people is a virtue, not a vice (and where you cant reach me, I daresay)* All in love honey, all in love…
Comment by Guessaurus — March 14, 2006 @ 10:04 pm
Oh sorry, clarification:All in love With YOU not HIM - damn, I will have soMe brigade kicking my door down to Make a point, or two.
I ‘come’ in peace, take me to you leader
’
Comment by Guessaurus — March 14, 2006 @ 10:09 pm
@Trying to make another point’ - am I the only person commenting on this post - should this have been named RE: GUESS LOL I am so egocentricizing (Where is Keguro when you so need him to Englisize this Englisized ass, eh?) my mojo on this one.
I think I need to bar myself, what do you think Mutumia
Bar yourself? No don’t even say that in jest - you have (as I said before) keys to the house. Re jamaa, yes, he’s - well, yes. *sigh* … njoga tuu or as Medusa would say washana nayo a jamaa gives you a hug and you’re just like “ahhhhhhhhh….. I could die of security”.
*sigh* Is it time for another I love men post? *sigh*
Comment by I am barring myself, again *sigh* — March 14, 2006 @ 10:13 pm
aiii, even me I want the pic. *** sawa tu. Niwacheni kwa giza. S’all good***
Comment by KM — March 15, 2006 @ 5:58 am
Mlifanya the dirty for old times sake?
Milo, Milo, Milo… if I told you, I’d have to er…
do youhurt you… jokes aside… Mutumia Blog Inc does not conifrm or deny the strokage or lack thereof…Comment by Milo — March 15, 2006 @ 9:21 am
Since only one person has the pic, so far I’m number two in line “pretty please”. There are some exes that you should keep as far away from yourself as possible in order to avoid self inflicted damage.
Seeing you faced this one and survived you are one hell of a ngumu woman. Congratulations!
Prou, I give up trying to send it… It’s being returned to me so…. sijui… nitajaribu tena lakini… Thanks for the congrats…
Comment by Prou — March 15, 2006 @ 12:49 pm
Thanks. Wooooweeeee! Ngai fafa **fanning self**.. that huge smile, that big huggable man! Wamuteire why? ngai! yaaani, I confess, I spent ample time drooling. weeeweee! he is a dish. Yaani, I have anaa one of mine, I could bloody well post him and share him with the world…you know, when someone simply takes your breath away. **sigh**!
Then they teach you to be who you are, and you love who you are because you are the best you can be… that is the best part. ** sob sob**. Tebu I go look at your ex dude again….**back**. he is so happy. **sigh**. Screw ex’s.
send me a photo pleeeeeeaaassseeeee… then we’ll cry and eat cake, and feel fat and cry and then we’ll do each others nails and then we’ll get our hair did but the chick will do mine badly but you’ll say it’s OK… you just have to tong it a little on the sides and then we’ll say fukkit, we look too good to stay home and 8 pints later we’ll go home and be happy, happy, happy—- exes forgotten…
Comment by KM — March 15, 2006 @ 1:05 pm
see now, I came back to read your post and put a face to it…and all. aw crap. I just wanna curl up here in your digz and reminisce about ex’s and stuff…then I never have to leave to go back over there to my sad green place…..Pfft! I used to do that..spend all Sunday at my galpals, then when i leave I feel like crap cos I am all alone and crap. LOL LOL!!
when you go home and then your house is the way you left it and you’re like ‘whyyyyy?” LOL… I know the feeling
Comment by KM — March 15, 2006 @ 1:10 pm
***composing self, picking up bags and shoes from Friday evening***
Sawa, see you..inakaa nimezidi here….baadayes. **sigh** Later chyk
we’ll meet at the local baadaye ama?
Comment by KM — March 15, 2006 @ 1:13 pm
WHERE IS MINE PIC????
Comment by Ms K — March 15, 2006 @ 2:07 pm
WOMAN, I AM GOING TO MY INBOX NOW! I EXPECT TO FIND PICTURE! GIVE ME PICTURE!!
On that note, hata mimi iko ingine inaweza fanya self-inflicted damage (Prous 2006)
ulipata? It bounced back the 1st time (kama for Prou) but it should have gone through… si you errmm… utuonyeshe ile picha yako tafadhali…. pris (KM,2005)…
Comment by Ms K — March 15, 2006 @ 2:11 pm
Eeeeeeeeee after nini-ing on your email I still had to come back here and say HOT DAMN! Are those teeth for real? Oh and he’s tall!! Yum yum yum, and I’m not saying that lightly. Si you nini, bring him home and keep him in a cage we be drooling over him. Ok ok just kidding.
He he he… I assure you everything is legit! Na bado nah’mean? Yeah—- I won Lotto meets powerball on that one..
Ile yangu, sina bicha ya yeye. Lakini igo bicha ya yeye in mine head na eh… yeah… haisaidii hata kidogo. Lakini it was tall, dark, hunky mandingo specimen with a smile like a Greek god!
Hmmmmmmmmm……. ok, back to work!! Shindwe wewe pepo baya!
To say the truth even me I say “Shindwe!” ‘cause, I know dude lakini still…. looking at him makes me chew lock like “How? Was your mother joking or serious?”
Comment by Ms K — March 16, 2006 @ 6:56 am
… I was burying our future beautiful boys (with nappy hair and ashy legs) that we were gonna have some day and name after my father and brother (thank you Jesus for lax naming traditions en Amérique), the girl who (fingers crossed) would have his smile (and God forbid her mother’s manners). I laid to rest all those dreams and hopes of what could have been- what should have been. I buried us, in our poly-color days trying to collect NSSF/ Medicare, of homework being done by children on the kitchen table. Missed trips to Disney world. I buried us.
*Sob*
he he thanks man
Comment by Chrenyan — March 23, 2006 @ 5:38 am
i trust that man must be lush judging from KM, Guess, Prou, Ms K and milo what can i say?
Exes, they say to live in the hearts of those we once loved is not to die…
sijui niseme…
Comment by Gish — April 7, 2006 @ 6:27 pm