Haidhuru

This post was inspired by our her or is it her Milo whose dreams of getting off the ‘bilas train’ (Milo, ‘06) were er— pricked by a mosquito. Hitting a new low even for me, ebu we side-bar (before even starting the post for shame)….

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Side Bar One:
It’s funny how this “Bilas Matatu” (Lakini Matatu # 69 doesn’t shukisha people there!) kinda sorta reminds me of Thika-Nairobi matatus/ manyangas and the passengers in them. There are those perennially “I’m alighting at the next stop” people who keep threatening the manamba “Mimi nashuka at the next corner” but wheya! You move from the entrance to make space for them, the “ninashuka, ebu nipishe” culprit peeps from door and says “err… si hapa— the place that I’m going had a black gate and a brown dog. It’s the next stop”. I won’t mention their names (KM) but they we know them!

Then there are those , who like Charlie on the MTA, have been on the matatu for such a long time mpaka they know their manamba’s names. All three names. Or those who DENY!!! You know, I’m not really a bus-taker- it’s just the fell clutch of circumstance that has reduced me to this unfortunate state. Actually, “I was on the Murio express, it’s just el nino that messed me up blah, blah, blah.” Well…….

End long ass side bar…

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Anyway, moving on to the post. Milo and his dream

Side Bar 2:
Which reminds me of this immigrant student. Teacher is vibing about MLK’s “I have a Dream” and the miro says “A wet dream”.Tiga tu! Yaani, the name of the INS was used in vain, visas were examined in well lit rooms and Americo-Kenyan college relationships were pushed back at least a decade.

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So, anyway, Milo’s dream to chomoka the bilaz express train is not as easy as it looks. Now, getting off it permanently because you got a ‘personal car’ is even harder. See, it’s been a while since I broke up with man-friend and was in a ‘relationship’. And I’ve been hanging out with my single girl-pals since coupledom will bore you shitless when you’re solo. So me I’ve opted to give those pairs (can you smell the hateration I’m just emitting LOL!) a wide berth until my story changes.

Anyway, one statement that I hear being used on my solo girl-pals is “You chicks have very unrealistic expectations. That’s why you don’t have a man”. And gal-pals get soooo mad. Like WTF is that supposed to mean? I’m not asking for wacha Denzel! hata ka-Othorong’ong’o Danger ! Even kina Likobe will do dude!

Forgive me for my trespasses. But! Could they be right?

I mean, just listening to the vibes of why ‘ Karis just did not work out’ ama why ‘William was not sawa’, the common theme that links these narratives is ” If people pendana, love will find a way”.

Yeaaahhh rrright.

Don’t get me wrong. Gal pals are not fools. They know that guys never ever come ready to wear. Ati “Give me that in Size 8″ Puleaze!!! . The best deal you’ll ever get when man-shopping is if you get really lucky and you find a jamaa, then you might get way with an “Ebu shorten the trouser length and make it piped” kind of tinkering with the product. Be warned lakini. This is rare and the last time this phenomenon was spotted was in 1979 somewhere in Melborne , Australia. Rather, it’s more “KamauTailor , si you shonesha for me this outfit. Give me madoadoa, long sleeves in chiffon, and a lace fringe at the bottom”. Then cost, time and Singer sewing machine permitting, you work with KamauTailor until the final product is as close a facsimile to the envisioned original as possible.

They know that. As I said, they are not fools. But invaraibly, this theme of love triumphing against all obstacles is one that keeps coming up and is what the happily marrieds refer to when they say “unrealistic expectations”. Perhaps, maybe, pengine lakini sijui.

Assumption One aka “Paid his dues to be a dick-head”

A jamaa will start causing after he’s proven himself to be a good man for a loooooonnng time aka the whole school of thought that with time, we will allow occasional misconduct. Wheya?!! A relationship becomes hard the second you’re like “Ah, well, I could nang’ana for this chap”… Before that? It’s easy like Sunday morning. You know if the jamaa is worth it (or not), after the first hiccup happens. If you’re like “Ati who? Haiya-tiga mbakĩ Negro. In fact, you know what? Bounce nyeuthi, bounce!” . Then you know the jamaa wasn’t worth it. Y’know? But! if you penda a guy, survey (OK, unscientific poll of mothers and aunts and happily married folks) says that BS can (and often) will start early on in the game. And if you give up at the very beginning, then you never give it a chance to be something substantial. There’s never a guy who’s inherently worth fighting for. You decide he is and then you make it happen. And I hear, ati that is what separates the ones who “have been going out for 10 years” from those who “went for a couple of dates but it just didn’t work out”.

I hear.

Assumption 2: “We’ll send you a memo when the hard work begins”

You know how you ask your happily married girl pal who is always cooing at her uber-attentive husband (who you suspect has also got good strokes and will probably know the 15 things to do with the tongue to that one spot over there? ). So you ask her what the secret to her success is and the ubiquitous phrase of “Hĩ, it’s hard work. Let no one cheat you”….is all over the place kama suruali ya malaya mwisho wa mwezi…I think the phrase “hard work” is a misnomer. The phrase evokes substantive stuff like e.g.

- I’m fundamental Baptist, he’s Mũngĩki.
- He wants a baby, I want shoes.

You know, problems that are worth writing to Dear Dolly about (“My man likes wearing my panties- please advise” )

Nah- the ‘hard work’ they reference is more like drudgery methinks. And that’s what they don’t tell you. It won’t win you any points for martyrdom as it’s probably just biting your tongue when both of you walk in through the door at the same time (ama he walks in first!) and he turns to you and asks you “what’s for dinner?” – like “Da hell! You think I have a Star Gate-ish worm hole that allows me to pass through time and cook for you while I am at work?! Sheeeitt !!” But you just throw him a look and say “Dude! Give me a few bana!”….

It’s not the big stuff that’ll stress you and make you think of throwing in the towel. It’s the trivial and mundane that you have to endure. Or he pisses you off and you’re justifiably mad and when you bring him domez, he’s got his “Whatfuckingever” sura and attitude. He’s putting on that mulish get-the-fuck-out-of-my-face-woman-in-fact-why-the-hell-are-you-still-standing-there-breathing-my-air?face that will get men killed one day (swear to one God!) if they’re not careful. And you’re this close to bouncing as the devil (shindwe!) is telling you on the inside “If he was feeling me, he would not have done that”.

I stand to be corrected, but this is the shit that’s hardest. It’s a mofo leaving the restaurant that you were supposed to be meeting him at, but you were slightly late *cough* 30 minutes late *cough, cough.* Again. For the 4th time. And he’d told you that he was gonna bounce if you were more than 10 minutes late. You thought he was joking. He wasn’t. And then of course you’re like “If he was feeling me, he would not have done that”. And you wanna bounce. But you don’t. Yet.

‘Cause the tricky thing with relationships- even with people you really like, is that we are usually a shrug away from hitting out. That habit of striving for excellence for him is something that comes from mazoea. It feeds off being with him on a constant basis. But initially, regardless of hanjems and “OMG! He’s got strokes like a mofo and he’s so good to me- could this be love”?, both parties (or to be realistic- usually one person), has to work at it like a job. Call him even when you’re like “Ng’eee, I’m just not up to having him over tonight, I just cleaned my house and he leaves dishes in the sink and his socks hidden like trasure in the couch, si I just read my book and chill” Then you’re like “Nah, let me just call him.” Or when he fucks up, he calls you you lenga the phone call (thank you Caller ID!), and he leaves a voice mail like ” OK, call me”. If I don’t, and he doesn’t follow up, if the both of you don’t chunga, then it fizzles out when one/both say “Even you, now, even you, you can stay” . That’s the “it’s hard work” thingie that usually ends up being the deal breaker.

I hear.

But then again, what do I know?