Haidhuru

You know how in the show “Junior Debate”, if a contestant was asked a question that s/he could not answer, s/he was allowed to lob the question to her team mates with the phrase “to the team”… and that became a euphemism for a question that you couldn’t quite answer?

Well, I had a “to the team’ moment when I was talking to my girl friend the other day. You know when you have friends carried over from your under-grad or grad days. Is it OK to hang out with the male married/ significantly related to someone else - doubly especially if the woman is not? My take on it was an emphatic NO with chilli on top. Like sneeze that idea away and walk away from the camaradarie and pints ‘cause that’s just shady. Then perhaps I’m just selfish. But I am willing to give up potentially excellent friends who might have one day donated a kidney than be the chick who is left holding the fort as the men go off to placate angry/tired/ sleepy girlfiends or wives by getting them some chicken from the kitchen and feeding them a wing or two, while I, the single chick is left smoking and pretending to really like that song as I wait for my drinking companions to show up with the ‘real women’ in tow.

Noooo… I need that “Baby, we really need to go home” star billing on the marquee role with the people I go out with. But my girl also got me thinking when she asked me how many people in this universe that revolves around Mutumia are allowed to put in some input on how we interact with friends and ‘people just like me’. So, “To the team”, I ask…

Is it selfish/ weak willed to stop hanging out with a person because ‘it looks wrong’?

Isn’t it risking the regard of people who know and like me just to pander to anonymous faceless haters who really don’t give the tiniest damn about me? I don’t know. I do know this though. I stopped believing in a world where “if you know your heart is pure, go ye forth with an intrepid step”. Bovine manure!!! As a grown woman, I know know that it’s not just the idea that counts. Motive is but one factor that’s considered. Perception and good judgement also matter. And sometimes you’ll lose out on some potentially good friends just to fit into this ’society’, just for the sake of ‘fitting in’ . Y’know? So while I may like your company blah blah blah… for my own selfish self-regard, I have to be wary about how I deal with you even though you come to me with nothing but the purest motives.

Is it selfish of me to insist that all relationships be defined on my terms or dismiss them out of hand? Sure. But then again, isn’t that what ALL relationships (with the exception of family- which also might account for why most homicides are comitted by a family member) are all about?

I mean, don’t we all have these limits on what a friendship should be and we look for people who subscribe to this philosophy and lose those with different views? I don’t really know. For all I know, there could be a whole lot of disgruntled ex-friends out there bitching about how bad a correspondent I became, don’t return calls etc. all unbeknownst to me. Doubt it. But it could be.

Anyway, I don’t know the answer to the question above. I do know that one should never put oneself in the situation where you’ll be explained away even when you’re doing nothing wrong. And that’s what catching pints with men with wives will do.

And ain’t that a shame….