Haidhuru

Disclaimers: Stereotyping ahead: Proceed at your own risk.

Let’s start with Kenyan Men shall we?

So, Km basically, the notion of recreational sex is still not well established. I could point out the whole female circumcision thing (but I won’t) and the whole aversion to Southern Affairs (but again, I won’t mention it). It’s probably because of inexperience as if you were to count the total number of women that they’ve kamatad, their numbers are significantly less that other men when you control for women who didn’t come, or it took less than three minutes etc. etc. So we have to make allowances and give kM a handicap for having less experience (or ‘transferrable stroke’points).

Side Bar
To keep this whole story in perspective, it might help to keep in mind that old joke that has been bandied about the internet, trains, bars and other dens of ill repute. When a woman is being asked about her numbers, always treat this as a Government poverty statistic (greatly under-estimated & grossly under-counted). I laughed myself silly when I heard that women do not count men who they did not have come-inducing strokage.

Which means that gender sequations looks like this:

Men: Basic addition and multiplication.

Md= (Ws) n+ ½ (Wh)

where
Md= Total Strokage (Mdinyano);
Ws= Women that he’s ever scored with
Wh=women he hoped to score with but her fat friend cock blocked for you, she lived too far away etc.
n is ‘stroke attracting quotient’ factor determined by his attractiveness, wallet, sense of humor, how much he’d drunk, and whether the Rams are playing next week..

Women’s sequation is slighlyt different. It looks like this:
Md= (Ws/) - ∑ [k(Wx) – k(Wc)]

Md= Total Strokage (Mdinyano);
Ws= Men she slept with
Ws=Men she slept with but she didn’t come;
Wc is men she slept with and came but! the mofos didn’t call the next day
k is the ‘strokake neutralizing quotient’ determined by the total number of men you slept with and you came and they did call the next day. But!!! You cannot associate with them for various reasons (e.g. he once blacked out in a toilet in the bar; he claims to be related to Obama- the senator- but he’s a half-caste of a Giriama and a Somali!!! etc. etc.) ….

So, if you did math, you can see that women who’ve dated blacking out-“Obama related”, men- or you’ve been with a number of men who just didn’t do it for you, it’s possible to have negative numbers- as in you are owed good strokes!!!!

Nevertheless moving right on.

End side bar.
———————-
So making allowances for this, let’s try and rank kM and to be accurate, let’s have a rigorous scientific analysis with representative groups and one wild card to control the numbers- as opposed to relying on anecdotal “Me, I hear Kenyan men are [fill in blank]” statements.

kM: Representative group #1: Kikuyus. For not allowing anything other than the prescribed missionary position, for having statements like “Athamia” (“open up”- phrase usually used when feeding a child), and other phrases like “You can have strokes or a Rav-4. Choose”. I give them a minus 4 (-4)

kM: Representative group #2: Kambas. Now, it pays to bring in some rigor into this whole “Kamba men are the bomb!!” hypothesis. Truly, no one can sweet talk you like a Kamba. He is eloquent, gentle, sensitive and has the herbal chemistry to convince you if you’re reluctant. In terms of foreplay, I have to give Kambas maximum points (at least 5 points) but in terms of the real action, studies suggest that they are not as diligent in follow up as the situation warrants. To be fair, it could be that the actions pre-strokage creates unnaturally high expectations, but the fact is that overall strokage, while better than the Kikuyu man, still has to be judged on its own merits. For this, they get 2 points.

*Wild Card * (spinning wheel until it falls onnnnnnnnn…. Nyanza!)

kM: Wild Card- Luo Men: Where to start? It’s a fact that if you’re looking for modesty, please don’t go West young man. No self-deprecating men there- sorry.

A Kikuyu man when asked about his many acres will say “I have a shamba in the Rift Valley… it’s not very small so I’m happy”. A Luo man on the other hand will break it down for you- from acreage (20,000 acres!) to pedigree of his cow “100% fresiaon- no Zebu and still at the port of Mombasa. My cows were in Holland for vaccination. Not vacation- which is what me and my wife had in Orlando Florida and Cannes for Film Festival”.

The other thing is Luos are honest. Like, Kuyk men lie- that’s a fact. Luo men tend not to. So when a Luo man says “I am very good in bed”. He is. Very good that it. Plus, Luo men are romantic as hell. They are also- just look at them- built like rugby players. With strong thighs and upper body strength and brothers have skills! They will woo you (with flowers and Chaucer “Sweet winyo, let’s have a ‘merrie fit”) and admire your backside with Nyatiti playing and songs and verses that rhyme. And, they will top up the foreplay with hours and minutes and at least one extra half hour of good strokage. So, kM, you lucky bastards, you got the Westside and for this, you get 6 points.

(Told y’all ‘cooperation’ was gonna be good for something some day!).

Total: 4 points overall.

Other men— to be continued…..