H is for Hos…
Aka “she made me do it!”
See women have been blamed for much of the world’s ills from being banished from paradise to mayors on crack (“gaddamn bitch set me up!”) to cradle snatching & mother-in-law-icide . So let’s analyze this, in true non-scientific Mutumia fashion by starting with “hapo zamani za kale” (‘once upon a time’) tales and we’ll start with Om( Other men)…
So Samson gets with this woman who tries to figure out how in those pre-steroid days, he can hew a lion and eat honey from it. Thing is, in the narration of this story, I can’t help but feel that he was the origin of the stereotype that brawn seldom comes with brain. This chick tries not once but thrice (!) to get to why he’s so strong and not once does he become suspicious as to why she’s so intent on getting the reason why. I mean, if I’m in the military/ police and some chick asks me more than once about my manpower- rather than my man’s power *groan*, eh.. I just might become wee bit suspicious about her motives. Anyhow, he tells her that if she ties him up with fresh bowstrings (naughty Samson!), then he can’t be unbound. But I guess in his defense, he was probably trying to spice stuff the Gaza night-life up (after all, what else was there to do when night fell?). So, well on their way to bonding via bondage, he upgrades to fresh ropes, which of course he rents asunder. And what does dude do when he finds himself tied up with fresh ropes? He tells her if she gives him cornrows, then he’ll be helpless (note to all job applicants with corn-rows- keep this in mind when going for job interview!). Of course dude is still strong come morning (he just wanted a head-rub me thinks). And by then of course now she’s mad that he’s playing her and she gives him one of those ultimatums “if your lion wants to get into some of this honey, you’d better tell me quickest, how we can kill you”… Which he does, dumb fuck and the rest, as they say, is history.
WTF?!! I mean, this story reads like one of those stories that Judge Judy throws out with “Do I look stupid to you? Tell me what actually happened”. Seeing that I wasn’t there, I don’t know how that story played itself out, but he probably told her from the word go how to un-man him and was surprised when she actually did it.
oM- ZERO marks!!!!!! And if you keep up with that story, I’ma deduct some points.
Moving on to our chaps- Kenyan men (kM). For those of you who weren’t the proud recipients of an 8-4-4 education, refresh yourself with the story of Lwanda Magere and his Nandi wife first.
Done?
OK… So let’s get this straight. You get a woman from a tribe that you’re feuding with. And since this had been a long-standing clash, it’s safe to assume that she’d probably lost relatives in the ethnic clashes between your tribes. Then you go on and reveal just how to kill you? Dumb fuck. Go sit in the corner with Samson. I mean, the story should be told as a testament to loyalty. That sometimes good strokes do not trump familial and clan loyalty- but that’s just me. For this, I give kM a zero.
Ain’t no winners in this.
TGIF and barikiweni y’all.
