H is for Hos…
Aka “she made me do it!”
See women have been blamed for much of the world’s ills from being banished from paradise to mayors on crack (“gaddamn bitch set me up!”) to cradle snatching & mother-in-law-icide . So let’s analyze this, in true non-scientific Mutumia fashion by starting with “hapo zamani za kale” (‘once upon a time’) tales and we’ll start with Om( Other men)…
So Samson gets with this woman who tries to figure out how in those pre-steroid days, he can hew a lion and eat honey from it. Thing is, in the narration of this story, I can’t help but feel that he was the origin of the stereotype that brawn seldom comes with brain. This chick tries not once but thrice (!) to get to why he’s so strong and not once does he become suspicious as to why she’s so intent on getting the reason why. I mean, if I’m in the military/ police and some chick asks me more than once about my manpower- rather than my man’s power *groan*, eh.. I just might become wee bit suspicious about her motives. Anyhow, he tells her that if she ties him up with fresh bowstrings (naughty Samson!), then he can’t be unbound. But I guess in his defense, he was probably trying to spice stuff the Gaza night-life up (after all, what else was there to do when night fell?). So, well on their way to bonding via bondage, he upgrades to fresh ropes, which of course he rents asunder. And what does dude do when he finds himself tied up with fresh ropes? He tells her if she gives him cornrows, then he’ll be helpless (note to all job applicants with corn-rows- keep this in mind when going for job interview!). Of course dude is still strong come morning (he just wanted a head-rub me thinks). And by then of course now she’s mad that he’s playing her and she gives him one of those ultimatums “if your lion wants to get into some of this honey, you’d better tell me quickest, how we can kill you”… Which he does, dumb fuck and the rest, as they say, is history.
WTF?!! I mean, this story reads like one of those stories that Judge Judy throws out with “Do I look stupid to you? Tell me what actually happened”. Seeing that I wasn’t there, I don’t know how that story played itself out, but he probably told her from the word go how to un-man him and was surprised when she actually did it.
oM- ZERO marks!!!!!! And if you keep up with that story, I’ma deduct some points.
Moving on to our chaps- Kenyan men (kM). For those of you who weren’t the proud recipients of an 8-4-4 education, refresh yourself with the story of Lwanda Magere and his Nandi wife first.
Done?
OK… So let’s get this straight. You get a woman from a tribe that you’re feuding with. And since this had been a long-standing clash, it’s safe to assume that she’d probably lost relatives in the ethnic clashes between your tribes. Then you go on and reveal just how to kill you? Dumb fuck. Go sit in the corner with Samson. I mean, the story should be told as a testament to loyalty. That sometimes good strokes do not trump familial and clan loyalty- but that’s just me. For this, I give kM a zero.
Ain’t no winners in this.
TGIF and barikiweni y’all.
I’m only as far as ‘Naughty Solomon” but..LOOOL, narudi.
Can you blame me if I’m already hyperventilating with the sheer anticipation of how much I will laugh by the time I’m done? Nope, can’t blame. its Christmas mami…..
Comment by KM — December 16, 2006 @ 5:04 am
“That sometimes good strokes do not trump familial and clan loyalty- but that’s just me”…..you and me both. *sighs*, they just don’t get it ever do they?
LOOOL@Lwanda and his shadow, do you know for how long I kept my shadow away from my enemies in Primary school…sun position notwithstanding?
Uh, reminds me of this joke I tell people, haki they never cheka and I’m like, what? why? Here goes;
Adam and his sons are standing overlooking the lush Eden after they got kicked out, (more like, kwani Adam left her alone why? kwani what was he doing with the boys for that long mpaka Wentworth Miller came to make her eat his apple tihii (yes, we know it was not a snake..and while we are at it, let it be known that I am lusting horribly after Miller, *flutters eyelids*, Oh God those eyes!!?,)
I am sure Eve said before Adam left “alaaaaa! mimi nikikula (kura to you and me) matunda (matuda to you and me again), usiniulize (need I say usiniurize, to you and me?”. Yaani I have this feeling Adam went to watch the game, and after shit hit the fan, he went to his boys (work with it! I know there were no boys), and went like “he! my guy, the mamacita has really screwed up this time, wacha the time I gave her my credit card to buy a gift for Jamo’s wedding then she went and did her manenos in Stuttafords last week, (LMAO, stick with me people). Sir G is not digging this shiet…bla bla”).
So anywhoooo, the joke;
Adam angalias and tells the sons eti “children, thats where we used to live before mother ate us out of house and home”.
Tihiii, yes, I will be here all day me, don’t tell me that’s not funny tondu it cracks me up all the time and I know two bloggers who totally did not get that joke!!
I’m not saying its Mental or Nick, I’m just saying there are two random bloggers….and the list keeps growing, yes, every person I tell that joke is meant to anguka matako (Poni 2006), but guys look at you like “how is that funny?” Tihiii,
Why do I have such tendency to blog on you? I’m so sorry.
Mambo mrembo?
Mambo sawa sawa and I’m so laughing at the not-Nick and not-Mental storo. That’s err… you know… But the joke is funny and trust me I’ma spin this one for what it’s worth. Now as for the red carpet, ebu nione kando so that I can give you those vibes properly
Comment by KM — December 16, 2006 @ 5:27 am
KM! ROTFL. That joke cracked me up, convoluted as it is.
Now which was the origino post?
Dude enyewe was a little wanting upstairs. Not once, not twice but thrice and the previous 2 times she did all that he described! All for a chance to dip his wick! Chickitita must have had some mega skills…
Skills and then some! I mean, he must have suspected but still, he must have thought it’s worth it. Amazing!
Comment by aegeus — December 16, 2006 @ 9:05 am
once i saw H is for Ho i knew it was u muts…come to think of it i owe u a post
as for u KM shae shame shame…by the way nowadays i have a touch of openin posts ive been mentioned at
kubaff squared
yes you do owe me one Nicky (thanks KM!) and it’s on becoming a woman or something like that
Comment by Couch Tato — December 16, 2006 @ 1:23 pm
It has been said how men can only think with one head at a time.So when women have managed to divert bloodflow they have led men into all sorts of chaos (yes I said led!).
It takes a strong man to resist some of these women. Someone like me! I should have been around to slap some sense into those historical peeps!
Someone once said that everything men do is rooted in impressing women, I at times think they had a point.
Nice weekend gal!
Thanks Aco. Those guys of hapo zamani za kale are not the only ones though. this is still going on today as we speak y’know?
Comment by acolyte — December 16, 2006 @ 1:26 pm
“Go sit in the corner with Samson.” that was hilarious i know alot of guys who would greatly benefit from Sam’s lessons.Makes me think of Wangu wa Makeri who sat on a dude instead of a couch(ok so they were not invented then ok the 3 leg thing.
KM,that was funny *commited to memory fr future use*
Comment by Gish — December 20, 2006 @ 6:27 am
Heh heh yani I have missed you and you brand of madness!!!
Uko poa lakini? What giveses?
Comment by Ms K — January 17, 2007 @ 4:25 am
Yaaaaay, You are back!!! Hugs cia mwaka mweru mami. ((((((((((The hotness that is Muts)))))))))) You keeping well?
Je n’ai pas oubliee que you had semad we chill for you last year…mwehehe and you have still not onad me kando. By the time you kuja I’ll have given birth to like 6 critters and I will be as gamut and dry as a refugee in Darfur. I hear too many kiddos can “kausha” you. LOL.
I came to say sweetieo, happy new year, and werocamu back. Siti ndowni and TYPE UP A POST!!
Comment by KM — January 24, 2007 @ 5:12 am
madam, makofi ya kilo. I need to resist reading such storos at jobiso. Esp. coz I cannot share them with the boss.
@KM , that was a very funny joke. Very funny.
Comment by Proud Nyeuthi — January 29, 2007 @ 6:27 pm