New Year’s Resolutions…
*Mutumia strolls up to the podium in some provincial Ruringu-ish stadium… She looks around, gives a royal wave to the two people , one ng’ombe eating grass (hakuna budget for grass cutters) and like three kids playing kati. Miffed as she already has a speech prepared, she clears her throat and starts her speech *
Eh…. First off, happy New Year folks…Yes, I know… that is beyond scandalous to stroll in on the 30th of January and have the nerve to tell people ati “happy new year”… It’s things like these that perpetuate the stereotype about miro time…
Anyhoo… New Year’s resolutions or something like that…. Ermm… “I shall call people by their proper names” as people are shameless. Like for instance,
Exhibit A
My buddies went to primary boarding school (which is another topic all together to be revisited in another blog-entry (or most likely knowing me and my ADD-ish writing skillz or lack thereof- probably on a side bar on a blog entry that’s totally unrelated like “Mahamri making for tourists from the Maldives archipelago”). Urmmm… yeah….So, this classmate of my girl, when they were in kindũ Std. 2, she crapped in her pants. But please note that this was only after the nuns in the school scared them shitless (tee hee) telling them ati for all those squeezes who rushed through the rosary ati saying hailmaryfullofgracethelordiswithyoublessedareyouamongstwomen as one looooooonnng unbroken word as opposed to being “…Thoughtful and ponderous as our lady is thoughtful and ponderous with requests from you that your mothers visit you on visiting day with Kentucky Fried Chicken and that she doesn’t have an accident on the way”… ati for those infidels-wakosa dini, there’s a hen with a red handbag and red high heels that strolls around the Nyati dormitory and if you hear the ngorobas click-clacking, best believe you cheated in the rosary and that hen is going to get you!!! How horrible is that story!!!@#$#@ I felt traumatized hearing that and I was a grown up adult then!!!! Catholic school nuns…Like sheeesssh!!!!
Anyway… moving on …so of course, no doubt, bila shaka, one chick heard the ngorobas and started the screaming. And for the 5-16 year old crowd, screaming is contagious like ebolic bird flu and next thing you know- the chick has poo-pooed in her drawers underwear. I still can’t substitute the word ‘drawers’ for ‘panties’ as I have already told too many people “It’s huko in my drawers- si you just get it. I don’t feel like getting up” …
Side bar
Speaking of underwear, do you know I used to call it “wonder wear” until my Std. 3 teacher beat it out of me? My “cousin” (Kenyan-speak for ‘my great grandmother knew her sister’s mother’s great uncle’s step daughter) who was helping my mum as she did Secretarial and ‘ToursandTravels’- (one word!) told me that it’s not “underwear” it’s “wonderwear” and I refused to hear Mrs. Otieno’s storos ati “UNderwear Mutumia Kairĩtu”….“Nooo…WONderwear”…. Yaani, I wonder how much unlearning of what housies taught us had to happen in Kenyan schools.
OK, OK… I’ll get on with it. So the chick heard the high heeled chicken, perambulating in Nyati dorm and she let go of her bowels. Fast forward, many years of clean underwear later, it’s post-university and me and my girl have gone for these ubiquitous NGO workshops when we meet up with this chick who’s got it together like a mafucker. I mean, she is a full country director of an NGO and my girl introduces her as “Wanjiru Kamĩi” (”Wanjiru the shitt-let” aka the little shitter). And country director smiles and shakes hands and now there’s one more person calling her “The shitt-let”!!!!! And now in retrospect, I’m thinking “Dude!!! She was like six!!!” Dang folks!!! Like surely pre-pubescence incontinence should not count!!! But apparently, she tried to not answer when folks called her that but she realized that they were just chewing lock like “If I don’t call my country Kenya, then am I no longer a Kenyan?” type existential groping and angst so, for the sake of her ex-classmate’s mental health, she gave in and was like “yeah, whatever… effing Kenyans”…
Anyway, so the reason I was reflecting on this was cause this chick called me just before New Year’s to wish me happynewyear and she’s called “Njege” (i.e. porcupine).
And for those who might not know, a “Njege” is an unattractive somebody. Which has always puzzled me as this chick is actually quite fly. So me and my Nancy Drew skills, I start my forensic etymology (be impressed folks as I certainly am… and Keguro did not help me come up with one 
) so I ask around and I find out that she’s called that as one day guys are catching pints and one guy looks squints at her and says slurs “If someone could see all the mĩtĩs that have gone into that squeeze, she would look like a njege” People inhale their beer, others snort it in, and a nickname is born…..And I swear to this day, like even her relaz call her that as the origin of that name is almost lost and that’s just—– sheeeeeeessshhh…
So anyway, this was supposed to be a one-liner like
“In 2007 Mutumia resolves to address people by their proper Government and real names”
No more of that “Andrew pervert” , “Patrick Matako”, “Tony millionaire”
Sidebar and Exhibit
Ingalau perhaps “Tony millionaire” will still be “millionaire” as that boy is a chronic liar who is at best a hundredaire. This guy is so pathologically full of lies that it becomes funny (after passing through ridiculous and staying there for a while). Like e.g. it was his turn to throw pints like a coupla weks after the bomb blast but he was like ati he’d gone to deposit 2 million at the Posta bank but he lost all the money *smh*. Dude!!! Say a parkie stole your wallet… ama the maid washed your clothes and it had the money… So after we look at him and just dismiss him as a serious Kenyan, he’s like “You guys, I have to throw pints on Sato” and we’re like “Yeah, yeah… whatever… if you do- cool, but we’re not exactly holding our breath”…. Of course he comes in looking like he’s been beaten he says the matatu cartel would not let his matatus on the road even though he gave them fifty thousand and he’d bought 8 matatus two weeks ago and they kosad business and he had to pay them all off, with all the cash he had at the bank so he can’t throw a rao even though he said he would *smh like a Coasto mama*. Or, he had a business deal with Popat who has just been kidnapped and he can’t collect his money…. *sigh and snigger*. So of course, I’ma still call him ‘millionaire”- sorry Milo)….
Hmmmm totally stream of consciousness blog entry- but that’s I guess par for the course for me…
Happy new year folks…
“If I don’t call my country Kenya, then am I no longer a Kenyan?”
Who knows? I just “tried” to blog about it–kbw “open blog,” which I take as an open invitation, a very bad idea with our kind.
I have given up on happy new year or happy christmas or happy any occasion. Saying or believing. But I return the good feeling. Don’t examine that comment. Or do. You might even seduce me back into blogging. You seem to have so much fun doing it.
Holy Farka Touré… Keguro Macharia as I live and breath! Dang where have you been? It’s been a minute!! Annndd in my book, whatever unearthed you has to be a good and merry thing… Now then, you… what do you mean it’s not happy anything? Si kwanza you’re in the mid-west where strangers are just friends you haven’t met? No? Wrong info from the Mid-Western Chamber of commerce? My bad… Ingalau, welcome back professor.Hugs kama kazi
Comment by Keguro — January 30, 2007 @ 4:46 pm
Your are hilarious!! Happy New year!!
thanks sana and happy new year to you too
Comment by Princess — January 30, 2007 @ 7:17 pm
New year to you too & what do you mean it’s the 30th/31st day of Jan? Has it gone that fast? lol!
That wonder wear name is out of this world, too funny!
Popat? Phew, you have a memory girl!
Yaani, I blinked and next thing you know, Christmas decorations have been replaced with Valentines messages. That’s when I knew that if I wanted to get my new year message it had better be now and not when canoodling bunnies are all over. Sasa Aikey?
Comment by akiey — January 30, 2007 @ 11:47 pm
“It’s huko in my drawers- si you just get it. I don’t feel like getting up” …
LOL, pips helping themselves inside your drawers!!! and esp you don’t feel like getting up!?#
Happy new year.
He he… ebu you know that’s true. it’s always “eh mutumia… si you lend me a safety pin and I spray kidogo of your Bint-el-Sudan ?” and you know it’s somewhere in that drawer and you’re like “tafuta hapo”…
Comment by alexcia — January 31, 2007 @ 1:41 am
Happy New Year Muts
My sis could not say kibiriti it was always kiribiti for some reason.
You make me laugh!
Ahh… those words like it took a minute for my sibling to get the hang of ‘elephant’ as it was ‘ephalant’ for him., Me? Just the usual ‘deks’ for desk and to my big brother’s horror, I used to regale the ‘hood with stories of how we went to see Joginder Singh at “safarilarry” (one word)
Comment by Farmgal — January 31, 2007 @ 5:22 am
Happy New Year.Shameless I swear.
Hilarious! LOL Njege! Aaaah, the naming game. Pupils/Students can be cruel! We had a Mr. Wainaina aka “Shaky”, PKT or Pua Kilo Tano.
PS: I know someone who calls then underWAY - don’t ask.
*putting up my hand almost saying ‘teacher,teacher, teacher me!”* We used to have this chick who used to call a donkey a “Dank” and it was Hilarious! tee hee for the Pua Kilo tano and that’s as bad as this manly female teacher who my brothers used to call “For they ran out of mud” ati ‘cause God was almost making her a jamaa lakini… well, you know, they ran out of mud… It still cracks me up
Comment by ichiena — January 31, 2007 @ 5:53 am
F*$k U mami…I am in absolute hell.
Ok. BRB, I’m at wanjiru kamii..LMAO. Sheesh, you are so bad for me
Comment by KM — January 31, 2007 @ 6:46 am
ahem, LOL, I’m back. You know I had an absolutely shitty morning but just finding you have blogged makes me giggle cos I’mma laugh for sure!!
You clown haki!!
Riiri, thuruaris (ks, how come my U’s don’t have that axion thingamajig!!! for like iria and iria…), I used to call them “wonder wira”. LMAO, I need DNA from you!!
Oh no you didn’t!!! The implications! Like I could take that so many places but…. but…. he he he….I can just see myself marketing it for K-street “The Wonder-Wira” the hard working underwear, for the working girl..
LOOOL@ ngukus in red and ngorobas…thekete ma!! Hmppph, did I tell you how this saved mama in school told me eti my jacket has a snake on the label, eti its made by Michael Jackson so if I keep it, shauri yangu….Emmanuel Eni said it all. So I burned the jacket! Dammmit, Charlie Manson I swurr, picture KM in Mt. Kenya freezing for Jesus!!
OMG!!! That is so reminiscent of my std. 7 through Form 2 years! I burned my Taimak Posters, stopped being part of girl guides and actually threw away the uniform … long story lakini there were Jehovah’s Witnesses involved…. and even stopped watching Karate Kid as yoga opened up the mind to let the devil in… But you went over and above the call of duty wa matha freezing for the Lord… tee hee… Kwanza what did you tell the folks when you went back after closing about the jacket? ‘Cause if you say it was stolen and your folks decide that for once they’re gonna cause domez for their poor daughter’s stolen jacket, you’re snookered… Lakini if you say you forgot it at school, and you’re no longer saved and you need a new “Michael Jackson” jacket, you are so sunk
LOL@ nuns, they are like, so disgruntled they cant have sex and all…My auntie was a nun for a while before she ummm, got in the family way..just saying.
Huuuhh???? For real??? That’s so eminently blogworthy.. ama I should stop looking at life as just a source of material for the blog no? OK… point taken
LOOOOL@ Kimii. Haki chica, stop it ok, you are so killing me!!!
Woman! You are so my sister from my other mother..I mean with all the migration and stuff…how did Maasais end up in Meru ok? I soooo have a habit of calling people like that you know…Flo boobs (she has tits) and Flo half life (tehe, this is mean man but she kept asking me for eti ‘half life’ cigarette…I mean, sheesh man, its like 5 bob!! and, aaaand, she is a chain smoker!! Duuude!!)
*screech* shindwe pepo mbaya!!! I rebuke her in the name of B.A.T. like that’s evil!!!!! I don’t mind people who bum sigaras lakini it’s like “finishing my soda for me” when I was in primo… you really want the ka-last sip so that you can feel that ka-last quench has been satisfied but… the first half of the soda is so nice and cold and urrgghh… leave my soda alone!! Plus I like to finish the gaff but I don;t trust people to smoke ahead of me as they’ll give you a cigarette that looks like they gargled it in their mouth… Then if you smoke 20 halves of my sigaras, you just bummed 10 sigaras from you didn;t you? She’s killing the solidarity. Tell her that and to read the memo…
And this chic I used to know, she had these weird toes, you know they had like knuckles on them, lool, and they looked like they are digging or holding on to sandals..like if you overturn the world right, how people would have to hold on to the ground right…so I used to call her “Mutumia toes”. Tihiii, **climbs on hell basket**
LOL for real like I swear!!! Ati if gravity stopped working (if we stopped paying the bill and we had been sent 3 shut off notices), this chick would be the last one standing ! Lakini, now how you gonna call them “Mutumia toes”eh??? what’s up with that? ingalu…. I should put that as my ka- alternate avatar… My ex-jamaa used to call those kinda feet ati “4-wheel drive toes” and they were for farming communities who live in slopy areas so that you can be weeding next to the river, on a muddy slope when it’s raining and carrying tea on y our head but you don;t even falter… what can I say? He was good in other areas so I kept him
And Njege..LOOOOOL, I did not see that coming. I was like yeah, njege, so? meeeeni, thekete ma!
*smh* wanjiru kimii. tihiiii.
Smh, this dude friend (used so loosely I swurr)of mine made me pay for his pints eti cos “he just took out a second mortgage’ Dude like, fuck man, do I look stupid? I dunno where he takes ALL his money mimi!! He never throws a rao yet he will like have more fun that everyone…sheesh.
Thank you mami for the laughs!! You dunno from where you have lifted me!! You are effin hilarious.
Happy new year sweetness!
Thank you my dear and right back at you… Hugs galore….
Comment by KM — January 31, 2007 @ 7:07 am
Bloody blogsome ate my comment!!!
Anyway, I was saying, wee ma wee, ugateithio nuu? Ati chicken on heels??
As for that name thing, the worst is when you meet guys and then no-one bothers to introduce them by their names, you’re given silly nicknames like Yellow Schlong or something. Then like several months later, you have a crisis and you know this guy, this Yellow Schlong guy, has the answer. So you call his office and then, when Mary (receptionist) answers the phone , you realise ndui ritwa riake? As in John who? Paul who? What, you have no idea what his name is. Sijui now its to draw pictures!!
WHAT!!!!
He he…Ati yellow scholong… that jamaa better be light skinn-ded and not ati a dark brother who uses Clear tone and Ambi on his mũrĩometer. (Kwanza ati this is a true story ati this chick is with this guy who’s niniyo is like 4 shades lighter than the rest of him and she’s like “ehhh… what’s up? and he’s like “it doesn’t see the sun much”… Right… my Caucasoid Luhya…. righhhtttttt… Shoulda told me “over-use” and I might have believed you”
I think people should stop introducing others also with Flip-side names e.g. you were introduced by a buddy ati “this is Damaris” but as a side-bar the introducer told you- we call her “Oduori” as she doesn’t like roll-on. And every time you meet ‘Oduori’, you just say “Hi” as her real name disappeared with the booze that first day you met and next thing you know, it’s the scenario described above and you’re like…. errmm…. errm…. ermmm…. Do you work for a smelly lady? Can I see her? Thanks…
Then, I am so glad you decided to come back to the blogospheere… welcome back Ms. K & happy new year to you too
Comment by Ms K — January 31, 2007 @ 7:39 am
lol at wonderwear…that’s what its called from now on…i used to call dust bins dust spits!…don’t ask! And have you noticed the bar tenders at carni respond faster to “squeeze me” rather than excuse me? As for the catholic nuns, man those old lady’s so many think are nice…are wolves in sheeps skin! they traumatised my primary life! Happy new year!
he he he ati “squeeze me” is what’ll get you service… Dang— we forgot that. Kenya brief it? (Medusa, 06)
Comment by kiepepeo — January 31, 2007 @ 3:53 pm
You and your writing are bad for my highly polished ‘professional’ look at the office. What with guffawing, giggling and all…very unbecoming. That brings me to greetings in class. Picture this std 1.
Teacher: Ngoond morning crass!(tihhiii)
Pupils: Ngoond morning tisha!
Teacher: Now shundren, please open your mbooks..
It was class three when we got different teachers where i found that what i vehemently defended as the proper pronunciation was not…There should be a law i swear!
Happy new year Mutumia.
Comment by aegeus — February 1, 2007 @ 5:55 am
A certain version of me is back–he sounds much crazier than before. I’m not quite sure what he is saying. But I’m kind of digging him. After all, not all of us can be funny or eloquent or deep. Some of us are just mostly crazy.
Comment by Keguro — February 3, 2007 @ 2:05 pm
Your post has made my day! Even though it is one month late! That njege diss has chekeshad me! As for pathological liars, they always emerge when pints are meant to be thrown!
Comment by acolyte — February 6, 2007 @ 4:24 am
Muts, somehow that does not sound right, Mutumuia, thanks for rolling past Castle Aegeus. Thanks and karibu tena.
Comment by aegeus — February 15, 2007 @ 1:00 am
Loving this blog!
Comment by Klara — February 19, 2007 @ 8:33 am